LWL01. Communication, “I” Statements
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Think: Am I communicating my needs and concerns and encouraging others to openly express their needs and concerns in ways that are not controlled by another?
Communication problems are routinely found in family relationships. For many of us, communication can be negative and filled with strong emotions. We are going to learn an effective pattern for communication called “I” Statements that has proven to help build positive relationships. There are seven principles to positive I communications.
Principle 1, Be brief. Resist the urge to bring up too much.
Principle 2, Keep it simple. Be specific and clear. Focus on one thing.
Principle 3, Be positive while communicating what you want. Avoid blaming, name calling and over generalization.
Principle 4, Label your feelings. Describe the emotional impact on you in a calm, nonjudgmental, non-accusatory way.
Principle 5, Offer an understanding statement. Try seeing it from the other person’s point of view. This lets others know that we understand them and care about their feelings. It makes it much easier for them to hear what we are saying without becoming defensive. An understanding statement can help turn the negative “Don’t ever let me catch you yelling at the kids like that again, you bully.” into a positive I statement “I know the kids can be frustrating, please help me set a good example by talking to them calmly.”
Principle 6, Accept partial responsibility. Share a small piece of the problem. By communicating in a way that demonstrates a willingness to share responsibility, others are also more likely to hear what we are saying. “Even though you are not the cause of the problem, you are intimately involved with it and do have an effect on it” (Meyers and Wolfe, 2004, p. 137). Thus, it may make sense, whenever possible, to share a small piece of the problem for things that can go wrong in any loving relationship. We simply need to let others know that we see ourselves as part of the ‘big’ picture. Principle 7, Making a “How can I help?” offer is seen as a non-blaming, supportive act that others are more inclined to respond positively to.
Discuss: What do you notice about the principles of positive communication that might be different from how you have been communicating with others?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Look for the seven principles of positive communication as you review this sample I statement.
I… (HOW DO YOU FEEL?)…was embarrassed
when you…(DESCRIBE THE BEHAVIOR OR CONDITION)…spoke to me that way in front of my friends.
because… (WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?)…it made me feel like a child.
I would like… (WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN?)…to discuss this in private next time.
I know… (YOU UNDERSTAND THE OTHER’S POSITION)…talking about these kinds of things can be hard.
Let’s try to… (YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SHARE RESPONSIBILITY.)… set aside a time to talk when we are both feeling better.
(HOW CAN I HELP?)
COMMIT & BENEFIT
Commitments. This week I will:
· Use the “I Statement Worksheet” to write sample statements and try to use one every day.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.)
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Sometimes we have so many overwhelming feelings, we ‘bottle up’ our emotions. When our “emotional dam” bursts we blurt out things which can cause a breakdown in communication and loss of connection with our loved one. When we use positive I statements we express what we are feeling without being hostile, critical or overly emotional.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
LWL02. Communication, Changing “You” to “I”
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Think: When someone is doing an unwanted behavior, do we react with phrases that start with “You” and feel accusatory?
Chances are we have experienced years of nagging, pleading, and threatening trying to change unwanted behaviors. And, chances are it hasn’t helped. Oftentimes the way we interact brings about the very behavior we are trying to stop.
Reacting in this way doesn’t help encourage others to change. We need to rephrase those negative you statements into positive I statements. By removing the “You,” and forming positive “I” statements, others are far more likely to hear and receive what we are saying. It is important to understand that I statements aren’t sugar coating the truth. They are all about truth but phrased differently.
As we read through these examples of negative “You” and positive I statements, think about the different messages they deliver.
Negative “You” statement: You always get drunk and embarrass me.
Positive “I” statement: I enjoy being with you when you don’t drink. I know it’s not always easy for you, so that makes it really special.
Negative “You” statement: You never listen to me when I’m talking to you.
Positive “I” statement: I understand that some of our conversations are upsetting, I’d love it if you could help me work them out.
CHANGE “YOU” TO “I” STATEMENT ACTIVITY
Step 1: Individually think about some of the negative things you say in typical interactions. Write out two of those things under
Negative “You” Statements.
One:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: Now using the seven principles of positive community try to rewrite those negative “You” statements into PIUS statements like the example on the I Communication Worksheet.
Positive “I” Statements.
One:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two:________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3. Share a “You” statement and rephrased “I” statement with the group.
Discuss: Why do you think using positive I statements might be more effective than negative “You” statements?______________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & BENEFIT section
This week I will commit to:
· Practice turning negative “You” statements into positive “I” statements. (See the I Statement Worksheet.)
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.) __________________________________________________________________
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· By removing the negative “You” and forming positive “I” statements others are far more likely to hear and receive what we are saying.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
LWL03. Reflective Listening
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Think: Am I really listening to and connecting with others?
A communication skill that helps us become better listeners and connect with others is called Reflective Listening. This skill is based on the fact that what we believe or assume someone means may not necessarily be what they really mean. Our focus is on ‘decoding’ or translating what someone is saying, rather than asserting our understanding of it. This requires that we listen very carefully, observe others body language and behavior and reflect using our own words.
“If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Steven R. Covey. Listening, guided by love, is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to others. [1] People in healthy relationships talk with each other, not at each other. People should feel safe telling one another their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Communication occurs when someone understands you, not just when you speak. Although sometimes it may not ‘taste’ good, constructive feedback feeds healthy relationships. It may help you to tap into your blind spots and get a different perspective.
OBSERVATION ACTIVITY
Step 1: Decide on a member of the group to be the “Speaker” and someone to be the “Listener”.
Step 2: Based on what the Listener has observed about the Speaker during the last few minutes in group have them write down a reflective statement. If you need help getting started here are some ideas. “I noticed you just...", “What are you thinking?”, and “You’re feeling...because....”). Your reflective statement:__________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: The Speaker shares his response to the Listener’s reflective statement with the group.
Every time you offer someone a reflection you get immediate feedback as to how accurate it was. There is no penalty for missing because when you guess wrong the person simply tells you more about what they actually meant. Good reflective listening tends to keep others talking, exploring and considering. It also offers an opportunity for others to hear their own words, feelings and behaviors reflected back to them. You can get pretty good at guessing what others mean from their words, voice tone, context and non-verbal cues. This feedback or validation process is what distinguishes reflective listening and makes it so effective.
Discuss: Why is it important to keep the conversation going?______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SIMPLE REFLECTION ACTIVITY
Step 1: Decide on a member of the group to be the “Speaker” and someone to be the “Listener”.
Step 2: Have the Speaker complete this statement, “One thing I like about myself is that...”
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: The Listener guesses what the speaker really means by creating a simple reflection. For example, “You like that you...”
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: Rotate on to the next group member, who becomes the Speaker completing the “One think I like about myself is that…” statement.
Step 4: Another group member becomes the new Listener and guesses what the new Speaker really means by creating a simple reflection. For example, “You like that you...”
Step 5: Complete this activity until everyone has had an opportunity to be the Speaker.
Another way to form a reflection is to think or guess about what someone really means. For example, a friend Mary tells you “I’m getting really discouraged about controlling my anxiety”. Here’s what might flash through your mind. What’s discouraging Mary? -- think your question first, “Do you mean that you have been trying hard and your anxiety levels are still high? Now make your question into a reflecting statement by removing the “Do you mean that” at the front and inflecting your voice downward at the end. The reflection you now say aloud to your friend Mary is, “You’ve been trying hard and your anxiety levels are still high.” (Types and examples of other reflections are included in the "Reflective Listening Handout".)
One final note on communication. It isn’t enough to know what or how to say it, we also need to know when to say it. There may be better or more ideal times to communicate with others. Make sure your communication is a safe physical and emotional conversation. Sometimes we have so many overwhelming feelings, we ‘bottle up’ our emotions. When our “emotional dam” bursts we blurt out things which can cause a breakdown in communication and loss of connection with others. When we use Reflective Listening, we focus on what someone else is feeling without being hostile, critical or overly emotional. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE
This week I will commit to:
· Using Reflective Listening at least once a day.
· Doing a group recreational activity to celebrate recovery. (See “Celebrate Recovery”
handout for ideas.) __________________________________________________________________
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
REFLECTIVE LISTENING HANDOUT
Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a technique in which you become a helper in the change process and express acceptance of “Speakers”. Your role as a reflective listener is directive, with a goal of eliciting self-motivational statements and behavioral change those you are listening to. In addition, you can gently create discrepancies between the Speaker’s values and their behavior that enhance motivation for positive change. Essentially, MI activates the capability for beneficial change that everyone possesses. Although some people can continue change on their own, others require more formal treatment and support over the long journey of recovery. (Adapted from Chapter 3—Motivational Interviewing as a Counseling Style Enhancing Motivation for Change in Substance Abuse Treatment, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64964/)
NOTE: ALTHOUGH THE FOLLOWING REFLECTIVE LISTENING EXAMPLES USE SUBSTANCE USE, WELL SUPPORTED SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE SHOWS THEY WORK FOR OTHER BEHAVIORAL HEALTH DISORDERS AS WELL.
Simple reflection. The simplest approach to responding to resistance is with nonresistance, by repeating the Speaker's statement in a neutral form. This acknowledges and validates what the Speaker has said and can elicit an opposite response.
Speaker: I don't plan to quit drinking anytime soon. Listener: You don't think that abstinence would work for you right now.
Amplified reflection. Another strategy is to reflect the Speaker's statement in an exaggerated form--to state it in a more extreme way but without sarcasm. This can move the Speaker toward positive change rather than resistance.
Speaker: I don't know why you are worried about this. I don't drink any more than any of my friends. Listener: So, I am worrying needlessly.
Double-sided reflection. A third strategy entails acknowledging what the Speaker has said but then also stating contrary things she has said in the past. This requires the use of information that the Speaker has offered previously.
Speaker: I know you want me to give up drinking completely, but I'm not going to do that! Listener: You can see that there are some real problems here, but you're not willing to think about quitting altogether.
Shifting focus. You can defuse resistance by helping the Speaker shift focus away from obstacles and barriers. This method offers an opportunity to affirm the Speaker's personal choice regarding the conduct of his own life.
Speaker: I can't stop smoking reefer when all my friends are doing it. Listener: You're way ahead of me. We're still exploring your concerns about whether you can get into college. We're not ready yet to decide how marijuana fits into your goals.
Agreement with a twist. A subtle strategy is to agree with the Speaker, but with a slight twist or change of direction that propels the discussion forward.
Speaker: Why are you so stuck on my drinking? What about all of my wife’s problems? You'd drink, too, if your wife were nagging you all the time. Listener: You've got a good point there, and that's important. There is a bigger picture here, and maybe I haven't been paying enough attention to that. It's not as simple as one person's drinking. I agree with you that we shouldn't be trying to place blame here. Drinking problems like these do involve the whole family.
Reframing. A good strategy to use when the Speaker denies personal problems is reframing--offering a new and positive interpretation of negative information provided by the Speaker. Reframing "acknowledges the validity of the client’s raw observations, but offers a new meaning...for them" (Miller and Rollnick, 1991, p. 107)
Speaker: You’re always nagging me about my drinking--always calling me an alcoholic. It really bugs me. Listener: I really care and am concerned about you. It sounds like I am expressing it in a way that makes you angry. Maybe you can help me learn how to tell you that I love you and am worried about you in a more positive and acceptable way.
Rolling with Resistance. Accept the Speaker’s perception, understanding they can be shifted over time. In this strategy new perspectives are invited but not imposed. This is not "reverse psychology”, it is stating what the Speaker has already said while arguing against change, perhaps as an amplified reflection. If the Speaker is ambivalent, taking the negative side of the argument evokes a "Yes, but..." from them, who then expresses the other (positive) side. Be cautious in using this with strategy with a Speaker who is in early treatment or may be depressed.
Speaker: Well, I know you think I drink too much, and I may be damaging my liver, but I still don't believe I'm an alcoholic or in need of treatment. Listener: We've spent considerable time now going over your positive feelings and concerns about your drinking, but you still don't think you are ready or want to change your drinking patterns. Maybe changing would be too difficult for you, especially if you really want to stay the same. Anyway, I'm not sure you believe you could change even if you wanted to.
LWL04. Validation
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Think: Am I making the most of daily opportunities to show love and kindness to those around me?
Today we can start expressing love to our family members, friends, mere acquaintances, or total strangers. As we begin each day we can determine to respond with love and kindness to whatever might come our way. To validate someone's feelings starts first with accepting that they are real for that person and then try to understand them. Below are some steps to help you validate someone who is facing a challenge.
Listen. Be present and listen intently to what this person is telling you. Don't be defensive if you have contributed to their problem. Try to understand. You may need to ask compassionate open ended questions to better understand what this person is feeling. Do your best to understand where they're coming from. Accept their feelings. Don't try to change them or say they're wrong for feeling that way.
Express compassion. Express that you care about what they're feeling. You can validate their feelings by saying things like, "You feel disrespected. It's hard to feel disrespected (or anxious, hopeless, worthless, angry, etc.)”, even if you can't relate to the situation or the cause of the feeling. Tell this person that you care about them and that you are confident in their ability to solve or overcome the problem they are facing.
Read through this example of how you could validate someone going through a hard time.
Emily’s mother recently died from an illness. She lives alone and doesn't have family nearby. Susan came by to see how she was doing. Emily was crying, she started to talk. Susan was tempted to interrupt Emily, but she didn't. She just listened. When she felt it was appropriate, she said, “This must be really hard…” instead of saying “At least you still have…”. She understood that Emily just missed her mom. She then showed love by sitting with her while Emily continued to cry and talk.
Discuss: How did Susan choose to validate Emily?______________________________________________________________________________________________________
VALIDATING OR IN-VALIDATING ACTIVITY
Step 1: Read the following responses and decide if they are validating or in-validating. Put a “V” next to validating statements and an "I” next to in-validating statements.
___ “At least you still have. . ."
___ “This must be really hard. . ."
___ “Everything happens for a reason. . ."
___ “Just look on the bright side. . ."
___ “I can’t imagine what you are going through. . ."
___ “I’m glad you told me about this. . ."
___ "You’re manipulating me. . ."
___ “This too shall pass. . ."
___ “I’m happy to listen any time. . ."
___ “It’s all in your head. . ."
___ “I want to make sure I understand. . ."
___ “What has this been like for you?"
___ “This must be hard to talk about. . ."
___ “You’re interrupting me. . ."
___ “I know how you feel. . ."
___ “What do you need right now?"
Step 2: What do the in-validating statements have in common? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: What do the validating statements have in common? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE section
This week I will commit to:
· Practice using validating responses when providing support to others.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Even if we do not know how to relate to what others are going through, validating that their pain is real can be an important first step in finding understanding and healing.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
LWL05. Don’t Try To Fix
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Think: When people are in emotional crisis do we frequently jump into a problem-solving or “fixing” mode when all that may be needed is validation?
Every interaction we have with someone is an opportunity to validate them. Validating others thoughts, feelings or actions does not mean that we like or agree with them. It simply means that we acknowledge them and understand (or are attempting to understand) where they are coming from. We think we are responsible for providing the help they need or that we should be an expert on solving other’s problems. We tell people what we think they should do. While we may have something of value to share, when someone is in a state of high emotion, they are unlikely to be receptive to even the best advice.
We need to find the kernel of truth in someone’s perspective of a situation that verifies their facts. It acknowledges that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are real, make sense, have causes and are understandable to you. It is important to validate the valid, and only the valid, of others experiences, feelings, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts.
You can connect with others by using one of these six basic levels of validation:
V1. Pay attention, stay awake -- Look interested, listen, and observe facial expressions, body language and what is happening. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Nod occasionally. Respond with your face. Smile at happy statements; look concerned when you hear something painful.
V2. Reflect back. -- Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually understand what the person is saying or doing. Try to really “get” what they feel or think. (Reflective Listening is introduced in the “Effective Communication” session.)
V3. Develop a ‘third ear’. -- Be sensitive to what is not being said or expressed.
V4. Understand. -- Given their past learning and experience, state of mind or body, or current events are they making sense. Remember you probably know more about your loved one than anyone else. Validation is an opportunity to use that knowledge to help them change.
V5. Acknowledge the valid. -- Even if you don’t approve or if you feel their belief is incorrect show that you see the persons thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current reality and the facts. Demonstrate that you understand in words or by your actions.
V6. Be Yourself. -- Be willing to admit mistakes. Give up being defensive. Be careful in giving advice or telling them what to do if you are not asked to do so. Treat the other person as an equal, don’t make them feel like they are fragile or incompetent.
Discuss: Are there levels of validation you are doing? Which levels of validation are you struggling with?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
PERCENTAGE FIX OR VALIDATE ACTIVITY
Step 1: Describe a recent in person or telephone/email/text interaction with a family member /CSO.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: Try to break this interaction into these two percentages that together total 100%.
____% of time you spent trying to fix things?
____% of time you spent validating them?
Step 3: How did they responds to your attempts to validate? Did you…
· Defuse intense emotions?
· Reduce the pressure to prove who is right, to calm power struggles?
· Reduce anger?
· Decrease unwanted or increase wanted behaviors?
· Strengthen your relationship?
· Encourage more effective communication?
Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity with the group.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
When we are with others, we are encouraged to spend 85% of the time validating them and only 15% problem-solving. We need to assume the best of others, acknowledging they are doing the best they can AND that they can do better. Quick validating responses include – “I know”, “What happened?”, “That makes sense”, “Of course” and “Me too!”. Validation also provides appropriate encouragement like “You can do this”, “I believe in you” or “I have faith in our relationship”. Asking how you can be most helpful to them as part of your validation will help strengthen this connection.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & BENEFIT section
Commitments. This week I will:
· Practice using a validating statement at least once a day
· Complete the “Validation Worksheet” at the end of this session.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.) __________________________________________________________________
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Validation helps defuses intense emotions, reduces the pressure to prove who is right, calms power struggles, reduces anger, decreases unwanted or increase wanted behaviors, strengthen relationship and encourage more effective communication?
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
LWL06. Building Healthy Relationships
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Think: Relationships and how happy you are in them has a powerful influence on your health.
We are social beings, not meant to live our lives alone. Some psychologists have claimed that loneliness is the greatest problem of our time, contributing to most of our social ills. Having people in your life who you respect, enjoy spending time, and care about what is going on in each other’s lives is healthy. Social media gives us a daily reminder of just how many ‘friends’ we have and just how much they care about us. Some of us may try to collect as many as possible on social networking sites like Facebook. In doing so we might be creating a quantity of unfulfilling relationships, which won't make our life happier at all. Taking time to create quality relationships matters. We will get more joy in life as we develop close relationships with a few people we trust rather than having many superficial relationships.
Discuss: Share how a meaningful relationship started in your life.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
The quality of our relationships matters much more than the quantity. We can feel we have one close friend or family member and be just as happy as someone who feels they have more. The size of our inner circles depends on a lot of factors — including your personality (extroverts tend to maintain more intimate relationships), your gender (women tend to maintain more), and your age. Developing new relationships can sometimes be difficult and uncomfortable. The following are ways to help us make better connections with people:
Become genuinely interested in others. The only way to make quality, lasting friendships is to be genuinely interested in them and their interests. It is a lot easier to make friends when we show interest in them rather than try to make them interested in us. Learn what other people love or enjoy. We don't have to have the same interests, we just have to care about what they are interested in.
Smile. Happiness does not depend on what is happening around us but how we see our circumstances. Smiles are free and have a great way of making others feel better.
Remember people's names. A person's name is to them the most important sound in any language. Learning someone's name, even how you say it, can help people feel valued and important.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. The easiest way to have people want to talk to you is to become a good listener. To be a good listener, we must care about what people have to say. Many times, people just want someone who will listen to them.
Make others feel important – and do it sincerely. The golden rule is to treat other people how we would like to be treated. We love to feel important and so does everyone else. We can do our best to help people feel important in a sincere way.
BUILD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ACTIVITY
Step 1: Create a list of things that may be keeping you from building healthy relationships.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: Write down some distractions or choices that have affected your relationships.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: Write the name of someone you would like to feel closer to.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 4: What will you do to build a healthy relationship with that person?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE section
This week I work on:
· Building a healthy relationship with someone I would like to feel closer to.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.)
———————————————————————————————————————————————————
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. Healthy relationships protect us from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
LWL07. Strengthen Others
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes
Think: How do you feel when you forget yourself and reach out to others?
We live in a world that believes when you give something away, you have less. There are common myths we sometimes believe about helping others. As you read through the following myths, evaluate whether or not you have ever felt this way by circling either Yes or No and answer Why you felt that way.
MYTH: I am 100% responsible for providing others the help they need. Have you ever felt this way (Yes or No) and Why? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
THE REALITY: You can become part of a healing community. You have unique strengths and perspectives to offer, and, by giving when you can, you can help others.
MYTH: I should be the expert on solving others' problems. Have you ever felt this way (Yes or No) and Why? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
THE REALITY: Your role is to love and help people. Many people consider their role to be helping a person make his or her own changes, rather than providing an instruction manual.
MYTH: There are quick fixes to life's problems. Have you ever felt this way (Yes or No) and Why? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
THE REALITY: Working through change is a process, and nearly always takes longer than we think. There are rarely quick fixes to most problems. We live in a culture of instant gratification, and we are promised that there are quick solutions to nearly anything. Real change is a refinement process that the person has to go through.
MYTH: I don’t know how to respond. Have you ever felt this way (Yes or No) and Why? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
THE REALITY: The good news is that our most effective responses to those in need are usually very simple. The greatest gift we can give others is to show interest in them, ask questions, listen with love, and help people feel safe in sharing with us.
MYTH: If I help, they will become dependent on me. Have you ever felt this way (Yes or No) and Why? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________
THE REALITY: It’s true that helping others takes time and effort—we may have to sacrifice some things to help others. However, never underestimate the power that small and simple acts of love can have in people’s lives, and don't be afraid of making an investment in someone. (adapted from Foster, M., How to Help Hurting People)
Discuss: Which myths are especially hard for you? How can being aware of these myths help us when providing strength to others?______________________________________________________________________________________________________
As we seek to help those in need, we should try and understand and avoid passing judgement. Groups like this one, can help us learn about other’s problems, ways to provide strength to them, and strategies for improving social and emotional wellness. Some of us may feel we don't have anything to give back. Every one of us has unique talents and gifts that can help our families, friends and community.
PLAN TO HELP ACTIVITY
Step 1: Think of an individual, family or organization who needs your group’s help. For example:
--An elderly person who may be lonely or someone with poor health.
--A local park, church, or school.
--Someone who needs extra support, like a single mother.
--A child or teenager who needs support or mentoring.
--Other ideas ___________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: What are the talents, skills, contacts and resources your group has to offer?______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 3: Begin to make a plan to help.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE section
This week I will:
· Work on a plan to help others.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.)
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Helping others improves our social interaction, distracts us from our own problems, and improves self-esteem and competence.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
LWL08. Addressing Challenging Relationships
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Think: Are healthy long-term relationships you are familiar free of normal disagreement or occasional conflict? How have they overcome their differences?
Life can be messy, so can relationships. No relationship has ever worked without work itself. We don’t commit to a relationship with someone because there are perfect, we commit to them in spite of that fact. We need to be willing to be by someone’s side not only during the bright days but also during the dark ones. We need to encourage others to become the best version of themselves while accepting them as they are today.
Healthy relationships are often based on strong friendship. People respect and trust each other, enjoy spending time with one another, and keep up with what is going on in each other’s lives. They check in with each other and know what makes the other person sad and what makes him or her happy. People who have a strong friendship are also better able to deal with conflicts and stresses that come up in their relationship. Friends support one another and are there for each other. During this group we are learning skills to improve our relationships as family/CSOs.
Be validating and non-judgemental. How we perceive and judge situations and others can impact our happiness. We all make judgements, having a tolerant and open-minded perspective goes a long way in building relationships. Taking a non-judgmental, thinking error free, attitude and learning that there will be differences in opinion serves the purpose of making relationships safe and trustworthy.
Be more empathetic. Empathy is a state of perceiving and relating to another person’s feelings and needs without blaming, giving advice, or trying to fix the situation. There are many situations that can’t be fixed. Being empathetic doesn’t fix anything, it simply communicates that because of our love and caring we are aware of others pain and really care about them
Discuss: Share an experience when you felt someone really understood you. How did that make you feel about them and yourself?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Be in the moment or “mindful”. When you are with someone, truly be with that someone and don’t dwell in the past or worry about the future. Mobile devices are an effective tool for communication, they also can be a complete distraction in relationships. Technology has eroded our ability to build relationships as we attempt to multi-task by texting and talking at the same time.
Become a good “reflective” listener. If you're like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you're listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely.
Be positive in our communication. Long lasting relationships have 5 times as many positive communications as every negative one and really good happy relationships have 20 positive interactions for every one negative interaction. Being positive isn’t always easy, especially when been we are dealing with everyday struggles. Although it may sometime not ‘taste’ good, analyzing our behavior helps us get a different perspective.
POSITIVE/NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION ACTIVITY
Step 1: Think about a relationship that is important to you. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: List as many opportunities as you can think of for communication or interactions with that person during a typical day or week.
Step 3: Indicate if the communication or interaction was positive or negative.
Communication/Interaction Positive?, Negative?
______________________________________________________________________________________|______________________________________________________________________________________________________|______________________________________________________________________________________________________|______________________________________________________________________________________________________|______________________________________________________________________________________________________|______________________________________________________________________________________________________|______________________________________________________________________________________________________|______________________________________________________________________________________________________|______________________________________________________________________________________________________|________________
Step 4: How many of opportunities you listed were positive ____? How many were negative ____?
Step 5: What was your ratio of negative to positive communication or interactions? _______
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & BENEFIT section
This week I will:
· Have 5 times as many positive connections as negative interactions with a family/CSO group member.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.)
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Establish and maintain successful relationships.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
LWL09. Managing Money
CHECK-IN – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Let’s take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Our purpose: This We Recover Together group has come together because each of us wants to be our “best self”. As a group we will work together, learn from each other and give each other support. We will combine our faith, courage and ideas to help each other. To create a safe place for honest sharing of our lived experience we use appropriate language and behavior. We are empathetic, nonjudgmental, genuine, warm, steer clear of confrontation and imposing our own solutions. We encourage hope and compassion for all. We want to reframe and energize our family/CSOs connection into a “therapeutic alliance” that leads to progress and healing for everyone. There is a lot we can learn from one another.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on the commitments from our last meeting?
Think: Has ignorance or carelessness about my financial situation made life difficult? How would life be better if I was more thoughtful with my money?
Money plays a critical role in our lives. Managing money includes things such as income, debt and savings as well as understanding of financial processes and resources. Many people report they worry about money more than their own health, careers or love life. We may want to avoid tracking expenses or looking at our bank accounts. Carelessly using credit cards or other consumer credit can quickly lead us into debt. Sometimes we assume that someone else is responsible for managing “the money”, when family’s finances are everyone’s responsibility. Trying to transfer that shared responsibility onto others will only push us further into financial trouble.
Keeping track of expenses, making a budget, and sticking to it are important skills to have in order to be finically responsible and independent. When we are in debt to creditors, family members or friends it can feel like our time is spent working just to repay them. Learning how to improve your financial situation now will help you feel prepared to handle potentially stressful financial situations in the future.
Everyone’s financial situation is different. The most important point to remember is that managing finances, like any other part of recovery, is an individual process that does not occur immediately. We can be proactive learning about and developing money-managing strategies to help improve our finances. Four ways to change how we use our money are listed below. While we're reading, think about the good things that could happen in our lives if we followed these four ways.
A. Work hard and smart to make money.
B. Give back, donate to a good charitable or religious cause.
C. Pay ourselves, save.
D. Spend less money than we get and avoid debt.
Discuss: As a group let's talk about some of the good ideas, we have to live these four ways.
The first step to managing our money better is to know how we are using it. Completing the “Weekly Spending Patterns Worksheet” is a good beginning to helping understand our spending patterns.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE
Commitments. This week I will:
· Complete the “Spending Patterns Worksheet”, write down what I spend each day this week.
· Work with other group members on my finances.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.) ________________________________________________________________________________________
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Understand why and what you spend money on.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
WEEKLY SPENDING PATTERNS WORKSHEET
The first step to using our money better is to know how you are using it. Completing the table below will help understand your spending patterns.
Step 1: Choosing from these financial categories write down what you spent on a daily basis -- Housing, Transportation, Food, Utilities, Insurance, Medical & Healthcare, Saving, Investing, & Debt Payments, Personal Spending, Recreation & Entertainment, Miscellaneous.
Step 2: Look at how you spent your money this week. Circle where you think you spent too much.
Step 3: Draw a "star" next to the things you can spend less money on in the coming week.
Category | Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday | Saturday | Sunday
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
LWL10. Needs vs. Wants
CHECK-IN – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
Think: What behaviors or choices keep me from doing a better job with my money?
Money plays a critical role in our lives. Many people report they worry about money more than their own health, careers or love life. Financial worries can cause problems in marriages and social lives, along with headaches, anxiety and difficulty sleeping. Keeping track of expenses, making a budget, and sticking to it are important skills to have in order to be finically responsible and independent. When we are in debt to creditors, family members or friends it can feel like our time is spent working just to repay them. Learning how to maximize your financial wellness now will help you feel prepared to handle potentially stressful financial situations in the future.
Five ways to change how we use our money are listed below. While we're reading, think about the good things that could happen in our lives if we followed them.
A. Work hard and work smart to make money. Income
B. Give back. Donate to a good charitable or religious cause.
C. Pay ourselves. Savings.
D. Spend less money than we get and avoid debt.
E. Focusing on needs: rent, food, transportation, etc.
Discuss: As a group let's talk about some of the good ideas, we have to live these four ways.
Financial wellness includes learning to determine what our needs and wants are. At first glance that seems easy. Our needs are things we must have to sustain us day to day: food, shelter, clothing, personal care items, and in most cases reliable transportation. Just about everything else can be classified as a want (though might seem like a need) – entertainment, electronics, leisure travel, the list of things we want is potentially endless.
We have become a culture of want, addicted to the rush of newness and convinced it’s the road to happiness. With help we can change how we use our money by working to make a plan to pay for what we need first before buying any of our wants. Here are a few ideas to help us start making that change.
Take Inventory. Look around and evaluate everything you already have. Chances are you’re far exceeding your basic needs in almost every area. Work on cultivating a grateful attitude and appreciating relationships and experiences, more than material things.
Avoid Impluses. Advertising — in all its forms — is designed to make us want. Avoid it as much as possible by unsubscribing from retailers’ promotional emails, recording television shows and skipping through commercials, and carefully choosing the online content you consume. Break the habit of going digital ‘window shopping’ when you’re bored. Also be aware of how you respond to ads in your social media feeds. They are designed to make you buy without thinking about it. If you see something you’re interested in, take note of it, but wait to buy. Chances are you won’t even remember it tomorrow.
Practice the One-In-One-Out Rule. Successful minimalists live by this concept. It simply means that any time you bring a new item into your home, you must get rid of one that’s the same or similar. So, new pair of shoes, old pair of shoes out. New baseball cap in, old baseball cap out. You get the idea. It will be easy at first, since most of us have plenty to get rid of. But as you pare down your stuff to items you truly value and enjoy, you’ll be less inclined to toss them for something new. One-in-one out is an effective tool for managing needs vs. wants.
When you start thinking about potential purchases in terms of needs and wants, you’ll start making more thoughtful financial choices.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE
Commitments. This week I will:
· Complete the Spending Patterns Worksheet, write down what I spend each day this week.
· Work with others on my finances.
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Understand why and what you spend money on.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
NEEDS VS. WANTS SPENDING WORKSHEET
Completing the table below will help understand your needs vs wants spending patterns.
Step 1: Choosing from these financial categories write down what you spent on a daily basis -- Housing, Transportation, Food, Utilities, Insurance, Medical & Healthcare, Saving, Investing, & Debt Payments, Personal Spending, Recreation & Entertainment, Miscellaneous.
Step 2: Write a N" next to things that were "needs" write a "W" next to the things you bought that were "wants".
Step 3: Draw a "star" next to the things you can spend less money on.
Category | Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday | Saturday | Sunday
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
LWL11.Create a Budget
CHECK-IN – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
Think: What would it feel like to live within your means and achieve more financial stability?
Learning how to manage your money responsibly is important. But it can sometimes be hard to keep track of where your cash is going—and how much you actually have to cover your expenses. This is where making a budget can come in handy. A budget is a plan that details income and expenses to help support financial goals, money management and more. Creating a budget for your personal finances can help you reach your spending and saving goals. It takes dedication and consistency, but the peace of mind that a budget can bring—plus the potential improvement in your financial stability—can make it worth it.
Basic budgeting involves figuring out how much money you have coming in and where that money is going—and then choosing how best to manage that money.
Income: Income is easy enough to identify. For most people, it comes from their job. But other sources, like benefit payments or child support, might be included too.
Expenses: When it comes to expenses, there are a number of ways to classify them. You could look at needs versus wants. Things like housing and food might be classified as needs. On the other hand, vacations or eating out might be considered wants. Thinking about expenses as fixed and variable is also be helpful. Fixed expenses are your regular living expenses that recur with the same amount every month, like rent, utility bills, and car loan or mortgage payments. Variable expenses fluctuate more, like groceries, takeout and gas. If you use your debit or credit card to pay these costs, look at your statements to get an idea of the numbers.
The “Budget Tool” accompanying this session, will help you create a budget with pen and paper, you can also use a digital spreadsheet or on a budgeting app. Having income and expenses written out gives you a clearer picture of your finances. And if you’re saving for something specific, you can use your budget to help you determine how much you can realistically set aside toward that goal. Three most popular budgeting methods are 50-30-20, Zero-based, and the Envelope method.
50-30-20 budgeting sets aside 50% of income for needs, 30% for wants and 20% for savings, debt payments and investments. This can be a straightforward budgeting method for people who don’t want to have to create a detailed plan or account for every nickel.
Zero-based budgeting puts every dollar you take home toward a specific purpose. You may not always be able to anticipate how much you’ll be paying in expenses from month to month. But having a rough estimate of how much you’ll need to set aside can help you stay on track. To use this method of budgeting, pinpoint how much money you need for things like rent, bills, groceries and other necessities each month—as well as how much you want to set aside for any extras. Then decide how much money you want to put into savings. Finally, once any money comes in, split it up according to each of the categories and amounts you decided on. At the end of each month, your income minus expenses, savings and any other categories should equal zero.
Envelope method budgeting divide your income into categories, like bills and utilities, groceries and “fun” money, for example. Having an idea about income and expenses is especially important for this method because you determine how much money to allot to each category and put that amount in cash into physical envelopes. Or you can use a mobile budgeting app to organize your funds virtually instead of using actual envelopes. Once you have your cash divided up, the money in each envelope is meant to be spent on that category alone. And once money in an envelope is gone, you’re done spending. The idea is to stick to spending only what you have on hand. If you’re going the online route, the same idea applies.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE
Commitments. This week I will:
· Complete the Spending Patterns Worksheet, write down what I spend each day this week.
· Work with others on my finances.
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Understand why and what you spend money on.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
LWL12. Sticking to a Budget
CHECK-IN – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
Past week’s recovery activities.
Goals for next week.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
Think: What would it feel like to live within your means and achieve more financial stability?
Creating and then sticking to a budget has multiple benefits. It can help you keep your spending in check to help you make progress towards goals like getting out of debt or buying a house. It can also give you an idea of what you can afford to spend on things like rent, a mortgage or car payments to ensure you don’t take on too much debt or cause yourself financial stress. Even if you don’t have any specific savings goals right now, it’s a good idea to have a budget and stick to it so you know exactly where your money is going. Three principles for sticking with a budget include setting realistic, motivating financial goals; holding yourself accountable and keep trying.
It is important to set financial goals that are both realistic and motivating including building a one-month emergency fund, getting out of debt, building a longer-term emergency fund, and saving for other worthy expenses.
Financial Priority Activity
The following activity will help you identify your current financial priorities. Questions to which you answer “no” could become your first priority.
1. Do I have a one-month emergency fund?
2. Do I have health insurance or some other access to medical care?
3. Am I free from consumer debt, like credit cards and car loans?
4. Do I have a three-to-six-month emergency fund?
5. Am I working to eliminate education loans and mortgage?
6. Am I contributing to a retirement savings fund?
You can choose to work toward other long-term goals in addition to your current financial priority, which may include saving for education, a car, a home, or a vacation or other recreational expenses. There will be many temptations to choose short-term pleasures over the long-term goals. Like the “Marshmallow Experiment” goals can give you a reason to say no now by giving you something to look forward to in the future.
You can only succeed in sticking to a budget by holding yourself accountableIf you have a difficult time holding yourself accountable report your progress to someone else. Weekly Recovery Meetings may serve as a way to review your goals and budget and to make adjustments if necessary. The important thing is that you make time to consistently evaluate your progress and that you make changes as needed.
Managing your money more effectively may require you to change your perspective, habits, and behaviors. Budgeting is a learning process, so you may fail at times to stick to your budget. You may relapse or slip up to old habit slip up and make impulsive purchases or encounter financial crises like job loss, medical emergencies, or unforeseen maintenance costs. It is important to remember that a budget is adaptable and that sticking to a budget requires perseverance. When you encounter setbacks to your budget, discuss them with others and review areas of your budget that may need adjusting. While you may feel discouraged and inclined to give up on sticking to a budget, remember that you can keep trying, and seeking help, you will gain the power and ability to persist in your efforts.
Discuss: What will you do when you face setbacks to your budget? How can we help one another?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE
Commitments. This week I will:
· Complete the Spending Patterns Worksheet, write down what I spend each day this week.
· Work with others on my finances.
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Understand why and what you spend money on.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
LWL13. Understanding Debt
CHECK-IN – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
Think: Are there financial decisions you have made that went poorly? What were the consequences? How long did you feel the effects? How did it affect you?
Debt is borrowing money that is not yours. It typically comes with a cost, known as interest. Interest is a percentage of the amount owed. You end up paying more for what you borrowed, sometimes a lot more. Debts come with expected payments, and an overall expectation to repay all that you borrowed plus interest.
There are very few justifiable reasons to go into debt and that when you do incur debt you should pay it off as quickly as possible. You should likely avoid going into debt for items other than these three. Instead, save up for expenses.
· Reasonable educational expenses that will lead to better work
· Basic transportation, if necessary
· A home
You can get out of debt! Aggressively paying down debt will require significant sacrifice, but you can do it. Below are five important principles for getting out of debt. We will cover the first three in this session.
· Understand your debt realities
· Desire to get out of debt
· Change behaviors that lead to debt
· Stop incurring debt
· Pay off your debts
Understand Your Debt Realities. How much debt do you have? What are the interest rates? What are the payments? How long will it take to pay off your debt, and how much interest will it cost you? It is important to know these things as you work to get out of debt. To do so, you will create a debt inventory like the sample below.
Description/Balance/Interest Rate/Monthly Payment
Credit card #1/$4,000/17%/97
Credit card #2/$6,500/19%/168
Car/$5,000/3%/145
Student loan/$18,000/5.5%/300
Mortgage/$170,000/4.5%/1,050
Desire to get out of debt. In order to do anything difficult, including getting out of debt, your desire must be stronger than the obstacles. We need to develop and maintain a long-term financial perspective. When we have a vision of what we can become, our desire and our power to act increase enormously. To find success, focus on your goal to get out of debt and visualize what life will be like when you are free from the burden of debt
Discuss: Why do you desire to be debt free? What will you be able to do that you aren’t able to do now?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Change behaviors that to lead to debt. Like the children in the Marshmallow Experiment, we may need to learn how to delay short-term pleasures in order to reach long-term goals. Engaging in these behaviors will likely lead us to debt and financial stress:
· Impulsive and emotional spending.
· Ignorance or carelessness about our financial reality.
· Contrasting or comparing ourselves with others.
COMMIT & CELEBRATE
Commitments. This week I will:
· Create a Debt Inventory
· Complete the Emotion & Spending Worksheet
· Work with others on my finances.
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Understand why and what you spend money on.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
DEBT INVENTORY
Description Balance Interest Rate Monthly Payment
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
EMOTIONS & SPENDING WORKSHEET
Answering these questions will help us to better understand the reasons behind our spending.
1. What do you feel when you spend money? Circle all that apply.
Alone, Bored, Generous, Happy, Hungry, Mad, Sad, Stressed, Tired, Underappreciated
Other: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2. What do you buy when you spend too much? Circle all that apply.
Clothing, Eating out at restaurants, Electronic devices or accessories, Entertainment, Gifts, Home furnishings or decorations, Snacks or beverages, Travel
Other: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3. Who are you usually with? Circle what usually applies.
Children, Coworkers, Friends, Nobody (I am alone), Spouse
Other: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What did you learn about your spending patterns? What can you do when you see emotions or short-term pleasures influencing financial behavior? What can you do to protect you from yourself?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
LWL14. Getting Out of Debt
CHECK-IN – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
Think: What would my life be like if I was debt free?
Here are four steps that will help you make and follow a plan to get out of debt.
1. Decide to pay extra toward your debts.
2. Decide where to pay extra.
3. Use the rollover method.
4. Take additional steps as needed.
Decide to Pay Extra toward Your Debts. One of the most expensive ways to get out of debt is making minimum payments. Often the minimum payment is a percentage of the balance. As the balance goes down, so does the minimum payment. This extends the time it takes to pay off the balance and costs you more in interest. To get out of debt much more quickly, you will need to pay more than the minimum payment. For example, you have a credit card with a $4,000 balance, a 17% interest rate and a minimum monthly payment of $97 dollars. By making only minimum payments it would take 20 years and 9 months to pay it off and would cost $5,107.62 in interest. If you paid the current minimum payment of $97, plus an extra $100 a month you would pay it off in 2½ years—that’s 18 years sooner and save $4,357.49 in interest!
You have been tracking your expenses and have developed a budget. How can you free up some money in your spending to make extra payments on your debts? When considering your first debt to pay off, pick a fixed amount that includes extra above the minimum payment, and pay at least that until the debt is paid off.
Decide Where to Pay Extra. Here are a couple of options for deciding which debts should be paid first. You can pay extra toward the debt with the highest interest first or the lowest balance. Paying down the highest interest first eliminates the most expensive debts earlier and could take longer to reduce the number of credits. It may also delay psychological wins.
Paying down the lowest balance first reduces the number of creditors and minimum payments more quickly. One or the other may provide quicker psychological wins.
Use the Rollover Method. When you pay off a debt you can rollover the money that had been going to that loan to pay down another loan This is where you really start to get out of debt more quickly. For example, if you paid an extra 100 a month to credit card #1, your monthly payment would be 197. After it was paid off, you would have an extra 197 you could use to pay off another debt. If you used that 197 extra and put it toward the 6,500 balance for credit card #2, you would Pay off that credit card more than 23 years sooner than if you paid minimum payments save over 8,500 in interest! Once you paid that credit card off, you would have an extra 365 to pay toward other debts, and so on. The rollover method works well to eliminate debt quickly.
If you are having a difficult time making minimum debt payments, then you may need to take additional measures like:
· Finding extra or better work:
· Selling some things that you can live without.
· Downsizing. Sometimes your best move is to move—literally. A less expensive home, apartment, or car may be a good option.
· Refinance debt at a lower interest rate or to consolidate several of them to a single loan with a lower interest rate. There may be costs to refinancing or consolidating, so be sure to understand the expenses beforehand.
· Find help from mentors or financial counselors.
Discuss: Would any of these measures work for you?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & CELEBRATE
Commitments. This week I will:
· Complete the “Get Out of Debt Worksheet”
· Decide which debt you will pay down first.
· Determine how much extra money you can set aside to put toward paying down that debt.
· Work with other members of the group on my finances.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with another. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.)
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Understand why and what you spend money on.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
GET OUT OF DEBT WORKSHEET
Step 1: List all of your current debts.
Step 2: Put a check next to the loan with the highest interest rate.
Step 3: Circle the loan with the smallest balance.
Step 4: Decide which loan to pay extra to first
Description Balance Interest Rate Monthly Payment
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
LWL16. Don’t Try to Fix
CHECK-IN section – Maximum time 20 minutes.
Mindfulness: Take a break from what you have been doing, breathe deeply, relax and recharge.
Step 1: Find a comfortable seated position with both feet grounded on the floor. Put a hand on your stomach. Close your eyes.
Step 2: Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Notice your thoughts and feelings and any tensions in your body.
Step 3: As you inhale and exhale, breathe deeply so your belly fills and empties with air. The hand on your stomach helps you practice belly – not chest breathing.
Step 4: For the next two minutes make breathing in and out your only focus. Let your thoughts come and go without trying to control them. If you find an area of tension in your body, relax it and let the tension go.
Step 5: At the end of the two minutes slowly open your eyes. Gently bring your presence back to your surroundings.
Gratitude: Taking time every day to be grateful can help our health, relationships, emotions and happiness. What is something you are grateful for this week? (Everyone in group shares.)
Review “How Are We Doing?” worksheet. (Led by loved one with behavioral health disorder.)
· Past week’s recovery activities.
· Goals for next week.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SKILL FOR A LIFE WORTH LIVING – Maximum time 20 minutes
Discuss: How did you benefit from working on last week’s commitments? (Everyone in group shares.)
Think: When people are in emotional crisis do you jump into a problem-solving or “fixing” mode when all that may be needed is validation?
Every interaction we have with someone is an opportunity to validate them. Validating others thoughts, feelings or actions does not mean that we like or agree with them. It simply means that we acknowledge them and understand (or are attempting to understand) where they are coming from. We think we are responsible for providing the help they need or that we should be an expert on solving other’s problems. We tell people what we think they should do. While we may have something of value to share, when someone is in a state of high emotion, they are unlikely to be receptive to even the best advice.
We need to find the kernel of truth in someone’s perspective of a situation that verifies their facts. It acknowledges that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are real, make sense, have causes and are understandable to you. It is important to validate the valid, and only the valid, of others experiences, feelings, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts.
You can connect with others by using one of these six basic levels of validation:
V1. Pay attention, stay awake -- Look interested, listen, and observe facial expressions, body language and what is happening. Make eye contact. Stay focused. Nod occasionally. Respond with your face. Smile at happy statements; look concerned when you hear something painful.
V2. Reflect back. -- Say back what you heard or observed to be sure you actually understand what the person is saying or doing. Try to really “get” what they feel or think. (Reflective Listening is introduced in the “Effective Communication” session.)
V3. Develop a ‘third ear’. -- Be sensitive to what is not being said or expressed.
V4. Understand. -- Given their past learning and experience, state of mind or body, or current events are they making sense. Remember you probably know more about your loved one than anyone else. Validation is an opportunity to use that knowledge to help them change.
V5. Acknowledge the valid. -- Even if you don’t approve or if you feel their belief is incorrect show that you see the persons thoughts, feelings, or actions are valid, given current reality and the facts. Demonstrate that you understand in words or by your actions.
V6. Be Yourself. -- Be willing to admit mistakes. Give up being defensive. Be careful in giving advice or telling them what to do if you are not asked to do so. Treat the other person as an equal, don’t make them feel like they are fragile or incompetent.
Discuss: Are there levels of validation you are doing? Which levels of validation are you struggling with?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
PERCENTAGE FIX OR VALIDATE ACTIVITY
Step 1: Describe a recent in person or telephone/email/text interaction with a family member /CSO.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Step 2: Try to break this interaction into these two percentages that together total 100%.
____% of time you spent trying to fix things?
____% of time you spent validating them?
Step 3: How did they responds to your attempts to validate? Did you…
· Defuse intense emotions?
· Reduce the pressure to prove who is right, to calm power struggles?
· Reduce anger?
· Decrease unwanted or increase wanted behaviors?
· Strengthen your relationship?
· Encourage more effective communication?
Discuss: Share what you learned from this activity with the group.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When we are with others, we are encouraged to spend 85% of the time validating them and only 15% problem-solving. We need to assume the best of others, acknowledging they are doing the best they can AND that they can do better. Quick validating responses include – “I know”, “What happened?”, “That makes sense”, “Of course” and “Me too!”. Validation also provides appropriate encouragement like “You can do this”, “I believe in you” or “I have faith in our relationship”. Asking how you can be most helpful to them as part of your validation will help strengthen this connection.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
COMMIT & BENEFIT
Commitments. This week I will:
· Practice using a validating statement at least once a day
· Complete the “Validation Worksheet” at the end of this session.
· Reinforce and celebrate recovery by sharing a pleasant recreational activity with members of my family/CSOs group. (See “Celebrate Recovery Handout” for ideas.) __________________________________________________________________
Benefits from keeping commitments:
· Validation helps defuses intense emotions, reduces the pressure to prove who is right, calms power struggles, reduces anger, decreases unwanted or increase wanted behaviors, strengthen relationship and encourages more effective communication.
· Sharing pleasant recreational activities helps keep us close and can become a buffer for negative interactions that can be part of any relationship.
Watch: Lyric video. (Video that reinforces this week’s topic.)
VALIDATION WORKSHEET
Describe a specific situation where you used validation and didn’t “try to fix”.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What exactly did you do or say to validate that person?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Circle the type(s) of validation you used.
V1. Paid attention
V2. Accurately reflected back what was said or done
V3. Was sensitive to what was unsaid, emotions and thoughts
V4. Expressed how what the person felt, did, or said made sense given their past learning and experiences. Wherever possible use “normal” functioning as the context.
V5. Acknowledged and acted on what was valid
V6. Acted authentically and as an equal
What was the outcome?________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
How did you feel afterward?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Would you say or do something different next time? If so, what?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________