How to Listen versus Talk with a Loved One in Substance Abuse

Life Changing Words “I am so glad you told me that.”

In the previous posts, (post 1, post 2) we’ve explored how building better communication skills are a key element in learning to support loved ones struggling with Substance Abuse or Addiction. The third component of CRAFT Connect Communication is Validation. While PIUS helps us talk more effectively and Reflective Listening helps us listen with the intent to learn, Validation skills help us bridge the other two, and give a guide as to how much talking versus listening we do.

• PIUS

• Reflective Listening

• Validation

Of the three, I probably spend the most energy around validation on a daily basis. There is hardly a daily interaction that doesn’t go better -- almost blossom -- under the warm touch of validation.

In CRAFT we learn that:

Validation means finding the kernel of truth in someone’s perspective of a situation that verifies their facts. It acknowledges that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are real, make sense, have causes and are understandable to you. It is important to validate the valid … of others' experience, feelings, beliefs, opinions, or thoughts.”

Validation also can create the PAUSE that can be so critical in self-regulating my own emotions and responses to stress. When I STOP before reacting or jumping into providing solutions, I can think “How do I validate what was just said to me?”  In the CRAFT Connect session, we evaluated a list of statements as to whether they are validating or invalidating. Many of what I considered to be my optimistic, cheerful, and encouraging “go to” statements were on the invalidating list. Through the discussion, I was able to understand why these statements could create a sense of dismissal and not encouragement. But what to say instead? Fortunately, the list of validating statements were easy to adopt. 

In CRAFT Connect , each session includes a My Commitments section where we individually think about what we’ve learned and what we want to do differently because of it. Following the Validation session, the commitment was to “practice using a validating statement at least once a day.” 

For me, I was able to take from the list of validating statements “I am so glad you told me that.” It was life changing. Those eight little words (which, frankly are so simple that I don’t have to scramble to remember them) provide immediate feedback to the person I’m talking with. They most often respond with more sharing.  Saying those words reminds me that my job is to listen. I do not need to fix my loved one’s Substance Abuse (or Addiction, Drug Addiction, Alcohol Use Disorder, Mental Disorder). I do not need to put my mental energy into thinking about a fix. I have not been asked to fix. I simply need to listen. And from that PAUSE, I can settle down, listen more than I talk, and begin to practice Reflective Listening, and be in check with my own emotional responses. 

As I’ve said before, it’s practice, not perfection. But the skills learned in CRAFT provide a practical way to learn new habits.